<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>being alive by psychiatrist_returning</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29498355">being alive</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychiatrist_returning/pseuds/psychiatrist_returning'>psychiatrist_returning</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stranger Things (TV 2016)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff, Mutual Pining, Romance, Series, Slow Build, Slow Burn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 01:08:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,989</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29498355</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychiatrist_returning/pseuds/psychiatrist_returning</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>completed|| a compilation of moments where you realized who was always there, no matter what, and truly loved you. steve harrington. (steve harrington x henderson!reader)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Steve Harrington/Original Female Character(s), Steve Harrington/Reader, Steve Harrington/You</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. someone to hold you too close, hurt you too deep, sit in your chair, and ruin your sleep...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Someone to hold you too close<br/>
Someone to hurt you too deep<br/>
Someone to sit in your chair<br/>
And ruin your sleep...</p><p>It’s weird to think back on a time when you didn’t have somebody. Or, something. And you were always told to want something, want something. All your life you had friends, a mom, a brother, books, movies, but there was something missing. Not that you knew what you were missing something. Almost something that you would know that it should’ve been there the whole time. Like it was right in front of you. </p><p>And sadly, that person was Steve Harrington. But you didn’t recognize that. Steve recognized that he was in love with Y/N Henderson. You. </p><p>Everyone could tell how in love he was with you. But, you didn’t. Book smarts, not street smarts. You couldn’t see the absolute heart eyes he would give you, just the absolute adoration he looked at you with. </p><p>Nancy had not only broken Steve’s heart, but something in him. Something that he had thought would never be whole again. But, you were suddenly there. You were there, odd references, cable-knit sweaters, and all. He was taken by you, and you wouldn’t let go. From soft chuckles, to loud bellowing laughs, he was in love. And Steve knew that. </p><p>You however, knew that you felt something, now you weren’t sure what that was. A part of your mind was telling you that it was love, but the one thing you told yourself in the beginning of your friendship was that you weren’t going to fall for him. No matter how handsome or sweet he was. No matter how much he cared for you and your brother, you wouldn’t do it. </p><p>But of course, being in love isn’t something you choose. It’s unfair. </p><p>~~~~</p><p>Both of you have your scars, and they manifest themselves in different ways. Nightmares, PTSD, whatever, you both are scared of what happened. Or even what could happen. </p><p>Domestic moments with Steve were normal occurrences, such as movie nights. These nights were always when Dustin was out of the house with the party. So these moments happened often. And it wasn’t different from this night. </p><p>“Grease? Y/N, get some taste!” </p><p>You scoffed, grabbing the pizza Steve brought over out of his hands, “That’s rich coming from Mr. Animal-House-is-the-best-movie-made.” </p><p>“That’s ‘cause it is!” you rolled your eyes at his insistence and continued into the kitchen, Steve at your heels. </p><p>“Don’t deny that you enjoy Grease!” </p><p>“I’m not saying I don’t enjoy it, I’m just saying, really!” he sighed playfully, “I guess I could go home.” </p><p>“Either way I’m keeping the pizza.” He stood next to you at the counter, playfully smirking at you. </p><p>“I could be convinced to stay.” you giggled and pulled two plates out of the cabinets, grabbing a plate and a slice of pizza and heading to the couch, the Grease VHS in hand. Once the movie was playing you sat down next to your best friend a smile forming on his face as you moved closer to him unconsciously. </p><p>As the night progressed your eyes began to droop, sleep attempting to overtake you. Something that you didn’t want to happen, not in front of Steve. He shouldn’t have to deal with a terrified Y/N after nightmares. </p><p>So you kept bouncing your leg, until you fell into Steve’s shoulder, out cold. </p><p>For the first time in the night Steve could pretend it was something more than just friends, even if it didn’t last long. Snaking his arm out and around you, he gently pulled you closer, possibly the only time he could ever do this. As the movie ended oddly, he contemplated waking you up, but not willing to ruin this moment he sat quietly, reveling in this moment of pure happiness. Of course, these things normally don’t last, and this was no different. Quickly, Steve noticed you start to twitch, your eyes scrunching, terror evident on your face. </p><p>“Y/N,” Steve shook you in an attempt to get you up, “Y/N!” Your eyes flew open, and you looked up at him. </p><p> </p><p>“Steve,” you whispered softly, hot tears streaming down your face. You sat up, your arms wrapping around the boy next to you, who wanted to hold you like that for the rest of your life. You pressed your face into the crook of his neck, “You’re okay?”</p><p>He pulled away from you, softly caressing your cheek, “I’m not the one you should be worried about.”<br/>
You waved your hands, sniffling, “I’m sorry, I was just,” you took a deep breath, “back there.” he nodded. </p><p>“I get that.” Steve said simply. </p><p>“I’m sorry-” he reached up and caught your wrist.</p><p>“You have nothing to apologize for,” he tenderly spoke, if your eyes weren’t filled with tears you could’ve seen the loving face he was giving you, but you didn’t.</p><p>You smiled softly and hugged him again, Steve was shocked, you were not normally a big fan of physical affection. “Thank you for being my best,” you faltered, confused by the butterflies in your stomach, “friend.” you finished off sadly. </p><p>“Of course,” he smiled to himself, of course you only thought of him that way. </p><p>But what would this world be without a bit of heartbreak. It’s only part of being alive.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. the diner</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Someone to need you too much<br/>Someone to know you too well<br/>Someone to pull you up short<br/>To put you through hell</p><p>Someone you have to let in<br/>Someone whose feelings you spare<br/>Someone who, like it or not<br/>Will want you to share<br/>A little a lot…</p><p>Steve had put you through hell, time and time again. But he always walked you out. Being worried sick for him, or tending too his wounds after walking through hell. And every time they surprised you, because every time they were worse. A bloodied nose became a broken one. A bruise on his cheek became a gash. And each time you fixed him up without question. Did it hurt too much? Why? They were never a part of the conversation. You just wanted to help him. Your friend. Your best friend. </p><p>The disconnect between the two of you was always the strongest when you had to sit and clean his wounds. He always felt that he was hurting you mentally by letting you see him like this. Like you would see him as weaker. Which you would never. And this night was the same. </p><p>“Y/N, I don’t need you to help.” you rolled your eyes as you continued to clean the cut on his cheek with rubbing alcohol. </p><p>“Sure, and I’m not cleaning a gash on your face that you got fighting someone for me and the kids.”</p><p>Steve shut up, wincing at the stinging on his face even as his heart did flips as you tenderly held his face. He continued to try and keep his eyes from looking at you, even though you were quite battered from the past few days, you were still stunning. </p><p>The cut was grosser than you imagined and required more work than you thought. As you sat hold bandages to Steve’s face you looked him in the eyes curiously, “Why did you do it?” </p><p>His eyebrows scrunched together in confusion, he was looking for a specific question, “Never mind.” you chuckled awkwardly. </p><p>“No, what is it?” he asked outright. </p><p>“Why did you fight Billy?” you finally met his eyes again, and he got a glance of the tears welling in your eyes. </p><p>“He was threatening you and Max, the kids really.” he trailed off, “I just had to do it.” </p><p>What he didn’t say was that he was threatening you and talking about how he knew that Steve had a crush on you, he was talking disparagingly about you and Steve couldn’t let that slide. But, you didn’t have to know that now. He didn’t want you to know that now. </p><p>~~~</p><p>Weeks later things had gone back to as normal as normal can be. You attempted to be distracted by anything you could do. Today it was to go to lunch with Steve. The diner was quiet except for the few tables taken up and the grainy songs playing. Your head rested in your hand as Steve told some crazy story about something he totally never did in basketball. But you played along, asking questions here and there and wondering to yourself how you became best friends with Steve Harrington. </p><p>“And then, I dunked the ball!” </p><p>“Sure,” he smirked at you. </p><p>“You doubt my skills?” </p><p>You smiled widely at him, “No! No,” holding the ‘o’. </p><p>“Jerk,” he mumbled, hitting your shoulder lightly. </p><p>“Oh, I’ll show you jerk.” you reached across the table and took a few of his fries. </p><p>“You said ten minutes ago, that you didn’t want any!” </p><p>You shrugged, “I changed my mind.” </p><p>He reached over and took a tater tot from you, you raised an eyebrow at him. </p><p>“I changed my mind as well.” </p><p>“You didn’t think about ordering them to begin with.” </p><p>“Well I am now.” He smiled at you, popping a tater tot into his mouth, but it wasn’t any smile. It was that dorky smile, the smile that he gives you when he’s really happy. When he looks like a puppy. And your stomach did a little flip, then your face fell. No. You couldn’t be having feelings for him. Right?</p><p>“Are you okay?” he asked in a worried tone.</p><p>You looked back up at him, “Yeah, I’m all good.” you forced a smile on your face and looked at your best friend. He was so happy. And you were part of that. You made him happy. You wanted to see him happy again. Make him happy again. Be happy with him. </p><p>You wanted to be with him. But he didn’t need to know that.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. want something</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>it's your birthday and steve has a good gift for you.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Someone to crowd you with love<br/>Someone to force you to care<br/>Someone to make you come through<br/>Who’ll always be there<br/>As frightened as you<br/>Of being alive<br/>Being alive<br/>Being alive<br/>Being alive</p><p>Somebody hold me too close<br/>Somebody hurt me too deep<br/>Somebody sit in my chair<br/>And ruin my sleep<br/>And make me aware<br/>Of being alive<br/>Being alive…</p><p>“Happy birthday!” the cold that flowed into your house when you opened the door was soon replaced the warm hug Steve captured you in. You were taken aback by the sudden display of affection, which was platonic of course.</p><p>Of course. What else could it be?</p><p>You pushed the thought to the back of your mind, focused on having a good birthday with your best friend and the party. “How’s it going?!” </p><p>He shrugged, “It’s alright, but today is about you.” he softly patted your bicep awkwardly. You smiled at your best friend, who was acting like he had never been in your home before. He handed you a box he was holding, “Um, happy birthday, again.” </p><p>“Thanks,” you placed the box on the table next to your couch and walked into your house, Steve at your heels. He kept his eyes on the floors, even though he was desperate to look at you, oh so beautiful you. But, today was not the day to be blinded by his love for you. No, he had to be there for his best friend. </p><p>“So, you feel like your 18 yet?” you chuckled and Steve’s heart did a little flip at the noise. </p><p>“Not exactly, I just,” you took a deep breath, “I feel the same.” about him.</p><p>Taking a gulp you looked into Steve’s eyes, “Are you okay?” something about the sour expression on his face worried you. </p><p>“Yeah, of course.” he plastered a fake smile on his face that you could see right through, but didn’t faze Dustin as he bounded downstairs holding a haphazardly wrapped gift for you. </p><p>Dustin looked you in the eyes, “The party will be here soon.”</p><p>You shook your head good naturally, “You all take parties too seriously,” </p><p>“Or you don’t take them serious enough.” he sassed back. </p><p>“You got me there.”</p><p>Steve clicked his tongue, “As interesting as this is, we have a birthday to celebrate!” The doorbell rang and the door flew open. At this point why do they even bother with the doorbell? </p><p>“Happy birthday!” was exclaimed from the group of children, and even though they would take any excuse to hang out, they wanted to be there for you. You were the first babysitter, the original older sibling. They really loved you. </p><p>Hugs were thrown at you as the kids, who weren’t really kids anymore, flooded into the house. Your mom came upstairs at the commotion and was overjoyed to see the kids in her home. </p><p>A chorus of “Hello Ms. Henderson,” could be heard from the kids as they started talking to each other using this as a social hour more. </p><p>Steve turned to you, “At least they showed up,” </p><p>“My children don’t care about me anymore.” you wiped a pretend tear from your eyes as your mom grabbed the cake from the fridge, beckoning the group over. They crowded around you and began a tone-deaf rendition of ‘happy birthday’. </p><p>Even as you were flooded with joy and love flowing from the group, the only person you could focus on was Steve, ever perfect Steve whose hand was sitting gently on the small of your back, comfortingly. </p><p>As the last note ended with the group giggling at the embarrassing moment of singing this. You paused before blowing out your candles. What did you really want?</p><p>Your mom noticed your hesitation and leaned over to you, “Blow out your candles, Y/N. Want something. Want something.”</p><p>You closed your eyes and in a moment of clarity, fully realized what you want, Steve. Leaning in you blew out your candles, wishing for Steve, Steve to somehow reciprocate your feelings. Steve, your best friend, to maybe, just maybe, love you. </p><p>Everyone clapped for you, and you put on a tight, sad smile. Everything that was supposed to be for you seemed distant, realizing what you wished for, what you wanted. You wanted someone to hold you to close. Steve. You wanted someone to crowd you with love. Steve. You wanted someone to force you to care. Steve. </p><p>Steve. Steve. Steve.</p><p>It was always him. </p><p>~~~</p><p>The comics you had received touched your heart, the kids had put together their money to buy you a set of nice notebooks, something you were always clamoring for. The look on their faces made you so happy, because all they wanted was for you to be happy. And even that was enough, but the notebooks didn’t hurt. </p><p>Soon enough the kids had run downstairs yelling about some game, and you were left next to Steve. Slowly he reached down and picked up the box he had brought over, plopping it on your lap, “Happy birthday,” </p><p>You smiled up at him, “You didn’t have to get me anything.” </p><p>“I know, I know, but, you deserve something nice.” he rubbed the back of his neck as you opened the box. In it sat a baby blue teapot, the exact one you had pointed out to him a few weeks ago. </p><p>“Steve…” you breathed softly, “This is so sweet! Thank you,”  </p><p>When you shifted your gaze to him, his cheeks were bright red at the compliments, he pointed at the teapot, “There’s another part.” </p><p>You took off the lid of the teapot, bringing your hand to your mouth with a gasp, which slowly turned into laughter as you saw what was inside. You pulled out a small piece of paper, revealed to be the ‘Sixteen Candles’ ticket stubs from when the two of you went, “You kept these?” </p><p>“Of course! It was so fun, and I hated the movie, but it was nice to be with you,” he trailed off, reminiscing about that night. </p><p>“It was such a fun night,” you pulled out the next item, a small ketchup pack. “Is this from- that night at Benny’s!” </p><p>“I’m telling you, it’s the best burger in all of Hawkins- maybe even Indiana!” you pulled out more ketchup packs, smiling excitedly at the brunet boy in front of you. </p><p>“Having a little burger with your ketchup, there?” he smirked at you, you grumbled a quiet ‘shut up’. </p><p>“Alright, on three: one, two three.” you both took a bite of your burgers, and he looked at you, eyes widening, you nodded at him. </p><p>“Holy shit.” Steve worked out around his the burger in his mouth. </p><p>You swallowed your bite, “I know right,”. Suddenly he reached across the table and pocketed a ketchup pack, “Whatcha doing there?” you asked teasingly. </p><p>He shrugged with the same charming smile playing across his features, “I don’t know, I just feel like I’ll need it one day.”</p><p>During the moment that you sat, enamored with the items in the teapot, which included the hospital bracelet that you wore after the demo dog incident, and the thimble you accidentally left with his sweater when he ripped the sleeve and asked you to fix it. Steve swiped something out of the box, a small card that he had tucked in, a card that divulged all of his feelings for you, but it wasn’t time for that. Not on your birthday. He couldn’t hurt your friendship like this.</p><p>And you could live in blissful ignorance for a while. Being touched that he put this gift together for you, and how incredibly personal it was. If you were someone on the outside looking in, you would’ve seen a couple, a happy, young couple in love. You two were only one of those, in love. </p><p>Completely and irrevocably in love.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. the ending</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Somebody need me too much<br/>Somebody know me too well<br/>Somebody pull me up short<br/>And put me through hell<br/>And give me support<br/>For being alive<br/>Make me alive<br/>Make me alive<br/>Make me confused<br/>Mock me with praise<br/>Let me be used<br/>Vary my days</p><p>But alone<br/>Is alone<br/>Not alive…<br/>“How are you doing?” you sat down next to the brunet boy who stared out into the night, trying to push memories away. </p><p>“Mentally or physically? ‘Cause they are two incredibly different answers.” he chuckled, though it was humorless. </p><p>“Both, I don’t know.” </p><p>“Well, the scars on my face are healing, my head won’t let me forget it.” you turned to look at his face, the bruises were dissipating, and the cuts were indeed healing, Steve looked more attractive than ever in truth.</p><p>“Same, sometimes I still see,” you paused, shuttering slightly, “it,”</p><p>“I do too. But, it’s better than what would’ve happened if we didn’t face it.” swallowing, you realized what he meant, what would’ve been the fate of Hawkins if he didn’t follow you and Dustin? You and Dustin would be dead meat. That’s would’ve been your fate. </p><p>“I guess, yeah.” you agreed silently. The hours that you sat, sobbing, because you could hear Steve’s cries were nagging in your head. The time that you didn’t know if you had seen Steve for the last time, at least alive, that is. </p><p>Steve nodded along, he couldn’t forget your tear stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes, even through his drug induced haze. And while Steve wished all of this had never happened, he was glad that he had gained you, and a group of rowdy teenagers as friends. </p><p>“Thank you,” you rushed out, the moment slightly reminiscent of when you thanked Steve for saving you last year. </p><p>“For what? I should be the one thanking you,” </p><p>You blinked back tears and looked at Steve, “For saving my ass, for saving” you laughed shakily, “Everyone,” almost everyone.</p><p>“You’re brave, Steve. Braver than I ever thought you could be.” turning to Steve, you caught a glimpse of tears welling in his eyes, before he shut them and ran his hands through his perfectly manicured hair. </p><p>“Thank you.” he whispered, barely loud enough for you to hear.</p><p>You slowly reached over and placed your hand on top of his knee, where he quickly placed his hand over yours. “What are we looking for here?” </p><p>Chuckling you asked, “Hawkins or in general?” </p><p>“I don’t know, in general?” he looked at you inquisitively. </p><p>You pursed your lips, something that Steve had noticed that you do when your deep in thought. What were you looking for? You had already found it, and it was Steve. But this was not the time nor place to say that. Maybe you would never find that time. “Somebody to need me too much. Somebody to know me too well.” and he was right next to you. “Somebody to pull me up short. To put me through hell.” you had already walked through hell, and he was by your side the entire time, holding your hand. “To give me support. To make me feel alive.” you sniffled, trying to conceal the flood of emotions you felt overcome you. </p><p>Steve’s eyes glistened with tears as he gazed at you. You had someone in mind. And he was sure it wasn’t him. You turned your head to meet his piercing gaze. “Just,” you shook your head lightly, “make me confused, mock me with praise! Vary my days. Make me feel alive. I want to be alive. I don’t want to live in this shit town, with the Karen Wheelers! Who cheat on their husbands and don’t care about their kids. Men who work nine-to-five jobs and ignore their families. You know?” you smiled lightly, tears slipping from your eyes. Sweet noises from the night invading your mind. “I want to go somewhere. Be something.” </p><p>His hand, which was previously just resting on your hand was fully holding it. Like a lifeline, and hopefully he’s get to hold it again. With his free hand, he grabbed something out of the pocket of his jacket. A card. “Here, you sh- you need to read it.” </p><p>Slowly removing your hand from his, you took the card and opened it, a happy birthday card sat in the envelope. “My birthday was months ago?” he simply pointed to the inside corner of the card. It was from your birthday last year. </p><p>‘Dear Y/N, </p><p>The pep talk I had to give myself even to write this down was insane. I’m telling you, this is a big step. Even though actually giving it to you may be far off. For the time that I have known you to exist, I didn’t care much about you, it was only when I really, really knew you, cared for you. I didn’t know about your courage, and unwavering (?) love for your brother and the party. And you know, I don’t hand out compliments for ordinary girls. But you are far from ordinary. I used to think you were a nerd, which you are, but a lame person, which you are far from. I also thought you were ugly, which is so not true. </p><p>What I’m saying is that I love you. And I may not show it, but you mean so much to me. </p><p>I love you, Y/N.</p><p>Love, Steve Harrington’  </p><p>You snapped your head up to him, not speaking. “Are you mad?” he squeaked out, “I can stop.” He went to stand up and so did you. </p><p>You captured him in a hug, squeezing your eyes shut. “I love you, Steve Harrington.” you whispered into him. </p><p>He pulled away, “Can I kiss you?” </p><p>“Of course,” </p><p>Quickly your lips met his, pushing all the passion you felt for him into the kiss. Years of love seeping through every second. You pulled away and rested your forehead against his, “I will always be there, just as frightened as you, of being alive.”</p><p>Somebody crowd me with love<br/>Somebody force me to care<br/>Somebody let come through<br/>I’ll always be there<br/>As frightened as you<br/>To help us survive<br/>Being alive<br/>Being alive<br/>Being alive…</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>